Change can be daunting, overwhelming, and necessary. Change can be something you really want, it can be exciting and still be stressful. When you are ready to make a change it’s important to be clear why you want to change and what your proposed outcome will be. Planning is vital, so is knowing your motivation, your “WHY”. If you aren’t excited about the desired outcome it can be easy to wonder if it is really worth the effort to change.
People change for one of two reasons. Either what they are doing is no longer working and might even be painful, as unhealthy habits or full on addictions often are, or they have a vision of a desired outcome that they can almost taste. The pain will push you forward for the short term but as soon as change gets to be work it is easy to give up if you don’t have a powerful vision to pull you forward.
Here are some steps to help you be successful in creating positive change.
Identify Your WHY
Get clear on why it is important for you to change. Make a list of all the reasons you want to change, really spend some time on it. Think of the things you don’t like and put them in the positive, for instance instead of I’m tired of waking up with a hangover and being sluggish all day, the positive would be I want to wake up full of energy and feel great about the day ahead.
Starting with what you don’t want can be a good starting point towards figuring out what you do want. In the next step you will identify your vision, by turning what you don’t want into what you do want.
To really help build motivation answer the question; “What does my life look like in 5 years if I don’t change?”
One more idea to identify and strengthen motivation is to look at your values. What are the things that make life worthwhile, or make you feel in alignment with who you really are? Is it family that gets you out of bed in the morning, is it making a contribution to others, is it honesty, success, heath, your Faith? When we are engaging in behaviors that don’t fit with what we value we never feel good about ourself. Take some time to identify your top 3 to 5 values. Is the way you are living your life reflecting what matters to you?
Identify Your Desired Outcome
Now you have identified why you want to change, you have looked at what you do want, or turned what you don’t want into the positive. Write out what your life will look like once you have maintained the change. You can write out what life looks like 6 months from now, a year from now, or 3 years from now.
Example – I am so happy that I have quit smoking. I love that I can smell food and it tastes so much more delicious. I am feeling healthy and strong, and I am now running 3 to 5 miles a day. I have healthier coping strategies for when I am stressed out, like yoga and deep breathing. People in my life are no longer telling me I smell like a smoke factory when I am around them….. etc…….
Write it out as if it is now, see the example. Read it every day. It will keep it fresh in your mind why you are doing this.
What Are The Possible Obstacles
So you have identified why this is important. You are ready to get started, but before you jump into it there are a few things you might want to put in place to help you succeed. This is where you need to take a look at what you are giving up. With every change in our life we likely gain something but we also will lose something. If you get a promotion to manager at your current job you will hopefully get an increase in pay, a bigger office, more challenging and interesting work duties, but you will also have a different relationship with coworkers, you may have to work longer hours. So a good thing but it will certainly impact other areas in your life.
When you identify the obstacles you might gain some insight into the reasons you haven’t quit yet. Is smoking pot with friends what you do most nights after work? You might be hesitant to change because you could lose your friends, or you will be bored. Write down all the perceived negative consequences of changing. Also spend some time writing down what you will do when faced with the obstacle.
Example: Boredom, make a list of activities that you will actually look forward to doing, or give yourself permission to just be bored. If it is fear of losing friends, have a conversation with them and see if they are willing to give up the substance or behavior too, or identify other things you can do together when you do hang out.
You may need to change people, places, and things. You will definitely have to develop some new healthy habits, and identify some new activities to fill the void of whatever you are giving up. You may have to work on being more assertive and setting boundaries with others. I know it sounds like a lot but these are all changes that will enhance your life.
During the process of recovery be aware of your triggers, some things to be on the lookout that can create cravings might be:
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- Relationships problems
- Memories of past trauma or distress
- Negative emotions such as depression, anger, shame, guilt, regret
- Associations with certain activities, having a cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette
Who Will Be Your Support System
It is really difficult to make a major change in your life alone. I’m not saying you can’t but if you have people in your life that know you are making a change they can help and they will also offer a bit of accountability. Sometimes we think twice about doing something if we know we have to admit it to someone else.
If you don’t have family or social support there are a few options. You can go to one of the 12 step programs or other support group. There are a lot of online support groups that have chat rooms and resources. You can go to a therapist or get a recovery coach if it fits in the budget.
If you choose to go it alone here are a few suggestions:
- Keep a daily journal to write out successes and identify obstacles
- Set small really achievable goals that you do for a week at a time and build on success
- Utilize online resources
- Practice really good self care
- Research as much as you can about the benefits of making the change
- Listen to others stories of success as well as their consequences
- Have a daily recovery ritual such as reading your vision, stating some affirmations, maybe daily meditation
Commitment
Set a date for starting your recovery. Write it out and keep it with your desired outcome and some of the activities you will be doing instead of using the substance or doing the unhealthy activity. In your statement to yourself write out that you are 100% committed to yourself, that you do not intend to slip but if you do that will not be an excuse to quit. Sign it and date it. Read it every morning and every night before you go to sleep.
You are 100% responsible. This is all you. At the end of the day no one can do this for you.
What this means is you are responsible for how you respond to everything in your life, you can see something as a problem and respond to it that way or you can take a step back and ask yourself what you might have done to get this outcome. You can also ask, what might be right about this situation that you aren’t seeing.
I love the AA saying about the definition of Insanity – Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Trust me, been there done that. If we have a challenging relationship with someone and we are constantly fighting with them could we be part of the problem. It is really difficult to fight with someone that chooses to not engage, maybe the next time you let the person know that you no longer want fight and that you are going to walk away. If they want to discuss what they are upset about in a calm way you would be willing to do that. If they aren’t willing to look at their role, maybe you need to rethink the relationship.
Or, if every time you get paid you go to the casino to cash your check and swear you won’t gamble it all away this time but it still happens every time, then find a better way. Don’t put yourself at risk. This type of behavior is one of the things that you need to examine when looking at obstacles by the way.
Self Care
Sleep, healthy food, exercise, social support, spiritual outlets, journaling, positive self talk, time for fun leisure activities. These are the things that will help fill the void, keep you on track, lower your stress level during change. This might be a good time to add in a hobby, learn to cook, garden, start running, or take a yoga class.
I encourage you to plan your day. Structure is your friend when you are changing a habit. Have a list of the things you can do when you are feeling stressed out or overwhelmed. Have a list of things to do when you get an urge to give into the old behavior and give yourself time to engage in the substitute behavior before giving into the old one. It may not feel as good as what you are giving up initially but it will create a pattern interrupt, a distraction that creates new neural pathways and helps you be back in control of your life.
Conclusion
Hopefully you have a place to start now. The main goal here is to put some things in place to help you be successful this time around. Be gentle with yourself during this process. If you do the steps above you will have the motivation you need to help you stay on the path to change. Even if you take a detour, if you have truly committed to this and are taking full responsibility, you will get yourself back on the path quickly.
It’s sort of cliche, but it isn’t about perfection, it is about progress. That isn’t giving yourself permission to fail but to allow yourself to be human. If the best you can do is binge watch Netflix instead of going to the casino, that is definitely an improvement. If you binge eat popcorn while watching a movie, that is likely better than eating 6 candy bars and polishing off with a large coke. Still room for improvement but movement in a better direction.
Stay on the path, be well.