Have you heard the statement – It isn’t what’s happening to you, it is your perception of what’s happening that creates your emotional state? If not, I’m going to ask you to ponder that statement a bit and then think about the last time someone cut you off in traffic. What happened?
Did you get angry, anxious, annoyed, or were you unfazed? If you found yourself getting angry it is likely that you had a thought about the person driving the other vehicle, like “What an idiot”, “Why don’t people learn to drive”, etc….
I have asked the traffic question of hundreds of clients and sometimes I get the response that it doesn’t really phase them. So why is it that some people will go into an absolute rage over getting cut off in traffic and others are unfazed.
It is the same situation, but it has to do with the way they see the situation and what they say to themselves about it.
Thinking Errors
Following are a 10 unhelpful ways of thinking that impact our emotional state. I have heard these called Mental Mistakes, Distorted thinking, or Automatic Negative Thoughts. Starting to pay attention to the way we think, our beliefs and perceptions will go a long way in lowering our stress level, creating better communication, and letting go of thoughts that can lead to relapse.
All or Nothing Thinking
You see things in either one of two categories, either good or bad, black or white, always or never.
- You look into the mirror and decide you’re not skinny, therefore you must be fat.
- You fail a test so you must be stupid, if you were smart you would have passed.
You don’t recognize that there is some middle ground. You might not be skinny but you may still be an appropriate weight. You may just not have studied enough for the test, failing one test does not make you stupid.
We can engage in all or nothing thinking when we have a slip. If I am not perfect, I failed. Dieters do this when they eat food that wasn’t on their plan and then use it as an excuse to binge eat.
In recovery this is something to be aware of, you have chosen abstinence and then you have a lapse. Just because you used doesn’t mean that you have failed. Any time that you have under your belt is still there. Now you have learned something new to be on the lookout for, to be more prepared in the future.
Mental Filter
To some degree we all do this. It is the idea that we see things that support our world view and we will discount or not even notice the information that is contrary to our belief. I notice this type of thinking with clients that have a lot of anxiety. The focus is often on what has gone wrong and what could go wrong.
- I never have enough money.
- Everybody drinks socially, why can’t I.
- I hate my job.
When these are predominant thoughts, we find examples of things in our life that support this way of thinking. We forget about the times we were able to pay all the bills on time, or we had extra money to put in savings. We miss all the people at sporting events that aren’t drinking. Even if we don’t like our job, we don’t pay attention to the fact that we might be good at it, it is still paying the bills, or the other things that are positive about the job that might help it be tolerable.
You can counter these thoughts by playing devil’s advocate. Instead of I hate my job, ask what is right about my job? What is a more accurate statement about drinking? It may seem like everyone else drinks, but the truth is many people don’t drink.
Jumping to Conclusions
This is having an opinion about how something is or how something will turn out without having gathered any facts to support your conclusion. We do this in a couple of ways. We do some fortune telling, make a prediction imagining the outcome to be negative and decide this is the only possible outcome, not considering other options. This can create fear and anxiety and stop you in your tracks from trying anything outside your comfort zone. The other way we do this is with Mindreading. Mindreading is just what it sounds like, we think we can read other people’s minds, know what they are thinking. These assumptions about what other people are thinking can get us into trouble.
- She looks mad, I must have done something to upset her.
- I don’t know anyone who is going to the party, so I will probably sit in the corner alone, why bother.
- I’d love to get that promotion but I doubt that they would give it to me.
These kinds of thoughts will stop you dead in your tracks and keep you stuck. Even if you have some evidence to support your thought, you can’t know for sure what the outcome will be or what someone is thinking without checking it out.
Using the above statements, what is the worse that could happen if you asked whether she is upset with you, you go to the party, or you try out for the job?
You won’t know unless you really give yourself the opportunity to let go of the thought and check it out.
Emotional reasoning
Emotional reasoning works a couple of ways. You think your thoughts must be true because they feel true, even when there is evidence to the contrary. Or, you are depressed or feeling angry about one thing and in that state you start to notice that nothing is going right. You start having depressive thoughts about other areas in you life.
- I feel like such an idiot.
- My life sucks.
Because you feel like an idiot you fall into the belief that you are an idiot, I can’t do anything right, and that can easily spiral out of control.
You are having a bad day and you feel down, you generalize this to every area of your life rather than recognizing that you are just having a bad day. Stop, breathe, and recognize that negative emotion is impacting your thoughts about other things as well.
Shoulds
Rules are helpful for keeping some sense of structure and organization in our life. But when shoulds turn into commands, irrational beliefs, or as a way to be self-critical they become problematic. Shoulds create anger at another person when the should is pointed in their direction, or guilt when we are shoulding our self.
- I should be more organized.
- I should spend more time with my kids.
- I shouldn’t be so lazy.
It is important to recognize that shoulds are just preferences, they are not facts or rigid rules that need to be enforced. Looking at shoulds as wants or preferences often allows the flexibility to move more in the direction of what you want.
Maybe it would be beneficial to be more organized, what would be a step in that direction? Asking how do I become more organized is less critical and can actually support change. How do I find time to be with my kids more frequently? What does less lazy look like, and by what standards would you be less lazy? Are you actually lazy or is that a critical parent telling you that you need to do more.
It can be helpful to question the origin of our thoughts from time to time to see if it really is something that is important to us or something that was passed down to us by a critical caregiver.
Also, would it be the end of the world if what should happen doesn’t?
Magnification & Minimization
Magnification is the thought process of giving more attention and importance to a perceived flaw and minimization is discounting the good qualities you have.
For instance, you go to a job interview and even though you feel prepared you get a little anxious and stumble over a few words initially. The rest of the interview goes great. You focus on the part of the interview where you stumbled over words, feeling embarrassed and sure that you blew it even though the rest of the interview went very well.
You have 6 months of abstinence and someone tells you what a great job you are doing, you downplay it and say you should have been doing it all along, rather that just being gracious and saying thank you.
With both magnification and minimization try having a little self-compassion. How would you talk to a friend in either of the above scenarios. Starting to shift the focus to what you are doing well and allowing yourself to feel good about it can move you towards more self-confidence.
Catastrophizing
You obsess and worry over a situation and make it bigger and bigger until you imagine the worst possible outcome is what will happen. You find out that you have a spot on your lung. By the end of the day you have convinced yourself that you have stage 4 lung cancer. I’m not saying it isn’t human to have some anxiety about a potential medical condition. Worrying about it, turning it into the worst case scenario doesn’t change the outcome. When you catch your self turning a scenario into the worst possible outcome, stop and breathe. Remind yourself that you aren’t a fortune-teller and that this could turn out to be nothing.
Yes, bad things do happen, but most of the really horrible stuff we imagine doesn’t. Recognize that you are catastrophizing, give yourself a few minutes to honor what is coming up and then find a way to stop the thoughts. Do a mindfulness exercise, shift to a place of gratitude, get engaged in an activity, do some EFT.
Overgeneralization
Thinking in terms of always. If something happens you exaggerate and generalize it to any similar situation or as if it always happens.
- Men can’t be trusted.
- My boss always yells at me.
- I always relapse, so why bother.
Because you may have had a bad experience with an ex, all men or women are untrustworthy. You view each new encounter with suspicion. You decide because you were not able to stop using in the past you will never be able to stop. Is it true that your boss is yelling at you 24/7?
It’s important to stop and become aware of the words we use, they have power. What is a more rational way at looking at the above situations? Is it possible to learn to look for the red flags that someone cannot be trusted, or to go slow in relationships to find out if someone can be trusted. Does it just feel like your boss is always yelling and it is uncomfortable. Finally, past relapses are frustrating, is it possible that if you try again you might succeed?
It can be really helpful to challenge our thoughts and restate them in a mire neutral way.
Personalization
This is believing that another persons actions must have something to do with you. It also could be taking personal responsibility for the way someone’s emotional state.
- She didn’t say anything to me when she came into work this morning, what did I do wrong?
- He still hasn’t returned my text, I wonder if he’s mad at me.
- She’s having a bad day, what should I do to help her feel better?
A coworker doesn’t say hi and you immediately worry that it is because of something you did, your friend doesn’t return your text immediately and you wonder why, a friend feels bad and it is your responsibility to make them feel better. This just creates stress and can get overwhelming.
The answer to this it to let others take responsibility for their feelings and actions. Don’t fall into the mindreading, making assumptions type of thinking. If you think you may have done something check it out. Let others know you are there if they need support. Try to let go of the autopilot response to take responsibility for others.
Blame
Blaming others for things happening in your life puts you in a victim mode. If other people are responsible for how you feel and what you did, you have no power to change things. With blame there is need to justify behaviors and actions rather than owning and taking responsibility.
- If you hadn’t said that I wouldn’t have yelled at you.
- If you hadn’t made me mad I wouldn’t have gotten high.
- I need you to just support me and let me do this my way.
Justifying your behaviors because of something someone else did will never put you in a place of empowerment. Looking at ways to communicate assertively when you are upset, or finding coping strategies to calm down helps you to feel in control in your life. We can’t control other people, we are only responsible for our actions and behaviors.
If you do feel like someone else is to blame, talk to them about their role in what happened. Take time to look at what your role was as well. Ask yourself how you allowed this to happen, or how you may have played a part in creating the situation. From looking at your role, you can identify ways you have some power to change the situation.
Challenging Unhelpful Thinking
There is a lot of overlap in some of the thinking errors. The idea is to just start to be aware, are there ways of thinking that you just seem to fall into frequently. Changing the way you think takes awareness and a conscious effort to want to change. The place to start is to challenge the thoughts.
- Is this thought true? Is it a fact?
- Is there evidence to support this thought?
- Is there evidence to support that it might not be true?
- Is this thought helping me feel better or worse?
- Could I let this thought go?
It is a process and like most changes takes time. The truth is that we have a lot of power over our thoughts. We created them and we can stop or change them.
Hope you found this helpful. Let me know your thoughts.
Peace and Joy on your recovery path!