Why is it that I start the diet Monday morning motivated and determined, only to give into the chocolate cake in the break room before 11:00. Or, the moment I get a glimmer of hope and start to feel good about the possibility of success that I do something really stupid? How do I change these self-destructive behaviors?
Whether it is fear of failure or fear of success doesn’t really matter. It’s a pattern of behavior that keeps you feeling down about your self, it keeps you feeling like a failure, a loser, or a F*** Up.
What Is Self- Sabotage?
Self sabotage is the behaviors and thoughts that get in the way of you following though on your hopes and dreams, goals of success, happiness, or desires. You can call it self-defeating behavior, self-destructive behavior, or simply an habitual pattern of getting in your own way.
You’re driving along at a decent speed and start to see success out the front window and in the rear view mirror the past is staring at you and you hear a voice in your ear saying “You know you aren’t really going to succeed this time, right?”
Self sabotage looks like;
Procrastination
- Knowing you should be working on something, but putting it off again and again.
- Starting projects, but never quite finishing them.
- Doing less important things to distract yourself so you still seem busy
- Setting unrealistic goals and feeling overwhelmed.
- Needing something to be done perfectly, so never starting it.
Feeling Worthless Or Undeserving
- Exaggerating other people’s achievements, and diminishing your own.
- Letting others opinions carry too much importance.
- Allowing negative self talk and self-criticism take over.
Addictions
- Engaging in unhealthy substances or behaviors to deal with emotions
- Using substances on the job
- Using substances or behaviors to avoid getting things done.
- Engaging in unhealthy or illegal behaviors even though you promised yourself you’d stop.
Worry
- Obsessing over things you have no control over.
- Fearing that if you fail, others will think less of you.
- Worrying that if you’re successful, your friends won’t like you anymore.
- Self doubt and lack of confidence fuel negative self talk.
- Letting anxiety take over and keep you stuck.
Actions Inconsistent With What You Say You Want
- Setting goals for yourself but never doing any follow through
- Always putting other people’s needs before yours
- Being a people pleaser
- Saying you want healthy relationships but using aggression instead of assertive communication
I’m not suggesting that you need to be a perfect human being. Of course people don’t always act in their best interest. Or they say one thing and then do another, once in a while. But if there is a pattern of engaging in self sabotaging behavior like those above that never changes and keeps you from being able to live the life you want and deserve, now is the time to start to understand why and change it.
Why We Self Sabotage
We self sabotage for any of the following reasons:
- Low self Esteem
- Fear of Failure – Lack of Confidence
- Fear of Success
- The Fraud Syndrome
- I am not worthy, I don’t deserve it
- Anxiety – Don’t want to leave my comfort zone
The belief that I don’t deserve, I am not worthy, I’m not good enough, or some version of that will keep you from achieving the success you seek. Success doesn’t fit the view that you have of yourself. If you don’t deserve to be happy you are not going to have healthy relationships. If you don’t deserve to be successful, the dream job will continue to be just out of reach. If you are not worthy, you might have a good idea but good things don’t pan out for people like you.
Another reason is because most of the time we are on autopilot reacting to situations instead of responding. It takes awareness and a conscious decision to want to do something different. When we are in a negative emotional state, we do what we have always done, whether that is numb out, distract, rage, or run. It could also happen with positive emotions if you are not in touch with your emotions and thoughts. For instance, you find out that you are getting a huge promotion at work and you celebrate by going out and buying a new car when you just committed to getting out of debt. The rational brain has left the building and the 12-year-old says, “You have worked hard you deserve it.”
You burn the candle at both ends and set unrealistic goals for yourself, the bar is so high no one can humanly reach it, you have the perfectionistic syndrome where it has to be done right or not at all, and so it never gets done.
Beliefs that you are somehow less than, will have you putting too much weight on what other people think. If that happens, it is easy to turn into a people pleaser, now other people’s needs are more important than yours. Beliefs that we are less than typically come from messages we received as a child. It can be helpful to see if some of your self talk sounds like things that were said to you when you were young. Those messages may have been the beliefs of your caretakers, or may have been spoken out of anger or frustration, but they no longer need to be your beliefs.
Self sabotage comes into play when there is a gap between our conscious wants and desires and our subconscious beliefs. On a conscious level we may feel ready for the promotion. However, our subconscious runs the show and in an attempt to keep us safe or keep us from experiencing disappointment, we get an impulse or an urge to do something in conflict with our stated goal. The behavior is meant to protect us. Whether it is physical safety or emotional safety, depends on the circumstances or perceived belief of the subconscious.
I hope you are getting the picture.
Ending Self- Sabotage
Anytime we set our sights on a goal that is a bit of a stretch, we create cognitive dissonance. The difference from where we are to where we want to be creates some tension in our brain. If we are clear on what we want and we can picture it in our mind, the brain will be on board and help us seek out strategies and resources for success. But if the tension is too strong, too much of a shift from where we currently are, it can create anxiety and stress and send us into behaviors that will keep us in our comfort zone even if that isn’t where we want to be.
It seems ridiculous to use drugs, alcohol, shopping, or eating to protect you or keep you safe. The truth is if you turn to any addictive behavior there is a perception that it will help at the moment. This is based on some experience or belief that it has given you relief in the past and so it is seen as comfort. Change is discomfort.
Step 1 – Identify the behavior and triggers
In order to change a behavior you need to be aware of what you are doing. Look at previous experiences, when have you given up on your goals. What are things that you do over and over again that are unhelpful. Start a daily log to identify when negative feelings come up. What happens, what is the self talk, is the inner critic is talking to you.
Let’s say you know you want to move up in your job. Every time you get close to getting a promotion you do something that makes upper management question whether you are really ready for more responsibility.
For example, the last few times you were doing great on the job you notice:
The behavior –
- you start showing up late for work,
- you take longer lunches,
- go out drinking on week nights and are hungover at work.
The emotion –
- Fear
- insecurity
Self talk and limiting beliefs –
- I’m not ready
- I’m not good enough
- I’m too young, my coworkers won’t respect me
- What if I can’t handle it
You realize this is a pattern that you do with work and with relationships. Once you have an understanding that fear and insecurity are running the show it is time to start to do things differently.
Step 2 – What would you prefer?
What would you rather be doing and feeling in this situation and why?
In this particular situation let’s say you’d rather be feeling more confident and competent, because you know you are ready for a new challenge.
List the positive traits and qualities you would bring the job
Are your shortcomings based on reality or are they imagined?
Are there solutions to actual shortcomings?
Is it possible to have fear and self-doubt and still move forward?
Challenge The Thoughts Keeping You Stuck
-
- Is there evidence to support the thoughts?
- Is it possible that even though it was true in the past it is no longer true?
- Is there evidence to support the contrary? Are there times when things worked out better than expected?
- Is there a more supportive way to look at the situation?
- What could you say to yourself that would feel better?
This is a time for self reflection, own your thoughts and feelings and recognize that some of them are normal. Most of us feel some insecurity when starting something new, or when we get out of our comfort zone.
Finally, imagine yourself feeling confident and competent in the position, interacting with coworkers once you have the job. Visualize that picture, what are you noticing, how are you acting different. Imagine your coworkers coming to you with questions, treating you as the authority with respect. Write it out, get as much detail as possible, and notice how you feel as you see yourself being successful in this image.
Step 3 – Use affirmations and Visualize
Several times daily start to say some affirmations to help change the underlying beliefs.
Example:
- I am moving forward with confidence and ease
- I am feeling deserving and worthy just as I am, I am perfect, whole and complete.
If you are in the midst of a change do a daily visualization as well. Once you have the picture from the previous step, spend some time imagining it, especially when doubts or negative thoughts come up. Just a few minutes will help to start to imprint the new picture and belief. It might be helpful to have it written down and visualize it multiple times daily.
Step 4 – Practice doing the new behavior
What are some behaviors from the visualization that you can start practicing now. Maybe it’s accepting praise more gracefully or at least stop putting yourself down in front of others. Show up to work early. Dress for the new position. Stand with confidence. Go to bed and get enough sleep so you are on top of your game on the job. Pay attention to negative self talk and let it know you’ve got this. It is okay to honor the insecurity when it comes up, but recognize it for what it is, just a thought. It is natural to have a little insecurity when we get out of our comfort zone.
Summary
Changing behaviors and autopilot reactions and moving solidly in the direction of your dreams requires time and patience. It requires taking the time to develop and practice new behaviors, create new habits and beliefs. To begin the process, however, you need to want to change and you need to believe in yourself and your ability to actually do so.
Negative self-talk and self sabotage is an easy pattern to fall into and a difficult one to break out of. By being aware, you can ward off the effects of self-sabotage before it continues to chip away your self-esteem. Start today, by tackling your sabotaging messages and behaviors, and put yourself on a path toward greater satisfaction and fulfillment. Realize that you have value and worth just as you are.
A few thoughts to ponder:
- It is okay to make your wants and needs a priority and to say NO to others
- It is okay to fail. Failure is just a way to identify what doesn’t work
- It is okay to be afraid and still act
- It is okay to lower the bar, look at it as set smaller goals along the path.
- Plan for success. Addicts tend to be impulsive, learn to stop and move forward strategically.
- Stop comparing yourself to others
Much success on your recovery path. Let me know your thoughts about self sabotage.